Quick disclaimer: These are my own archived images that I am using as stock fillers and only one image shows an actual couple. I just needed filler images… you know, like a picture book.
*The Only Actual Couple
Twitter seems to have been helping my productivity lately as this is the second rambling which was triggered by a chance wondering on an interesting thread. Normally my timeline is filled with jokes and other unassuming content, but ever so often a discussion appears that actually creates an engaging debate. This tweet was the source of one such debate.
My brain switched into feminist mode and I instantly began to think about what I was seeing, why it was happening and what it had all meant. From the screenshots we’re introduced to a man who is beside himself and frustrated because a woman he’s with is rejecting him. He makes it a point to emphasize all the help he’s given her and makes plain the fact that he only helped her because he had ulterior motives. The woman isn’t having it at all which further drives the man’s anger up the wall leading to his messages taking on a rather threatening tone.
I read the screenshots in absolute horror at the aggressive tone laced in the man’s messages and was even imagining a grim outcome to the situation. My first thought was that this level of entitlement from men makes women wary of them. The fact that what is perceived as an act of kindness is actually a disingenuous front and a power play to guilt women into relationships that they don’t want. I felt that I made a very strong and valid point, then someone offered a counter.
This counter point got me thinking because it was also very much valid and made sense when you look at things in the full picture. It got me thinking about how toxicity is a two way street and how feigning obliviousness can actually mean that you are taking advantage of a person’s feelings. The sense of entitlement is toxic and dangerous in a relationship so too is the action of taking advantage of a person’s kindness.
And the thing about it all is that both toxic practices in relationships, they are equally rooted in patriarchal stereotypes. Both Men and Women are toxic in relationships and it is the patriarchy that has led to the unhealthy power dynamics in relationships. The patriarchy has placed Men and Women on a seesaw creating a constant state of imbalance.
Why do I say this you ask? Think about it. Men are socialized to be providers and they are socialized to do things for women. Women are socialized to be dependent on men; they are taught that a man’s value lies in his assets because if he has nothing how can you survive with him? Because Men become trapped in patriarchal thinking they feel obligated to do things all in an attempt to secure a woman, and because they are taught that women need to rely on men, they expect women to be grateful and willing to go along. They develop a very sinister form of entitlement. Some even go as far as claiming to own a woman. Just listen to the song “My Collection” by Future and you’ll hear what I’m raving about.
On the flip side though we have women who are very much are of the male need to show that they are capable providers. There are women who make it their job to take advantage of men for fun and have absolutely no interest in them. This is also top tier “trash”. You can see that imbalance I speak of now can’t you.
This has caused a problem. People can no longer identify genuine kindness in relationships and it leads to a lot of second guessing. That very same entitlement that men seem to develop in certain scenarios has made even myself wary. I’ve not been on many dates in my life… I think it’s about 3 or so. Each time I always end up trying to pay my way. I don’t want any man to feel as though I owe him anything because he’s done me a favour. It’s led to me looking at even the smallest of gestures sideways thinking that even that has a hidden cost attached somewhere to it.
I’m certain many women feel this way. What they thought was genuine kindness or assistance is then brought up at some point in the relationship to lord over your head as a bargaining chip. You then realize that the relationship might not have been a partnership and that you’re at a disadvantage because every action has a price.
Even still, a lot of men become afraid to care they become wary of doing favours because women are leeches bleeding them dry of their time and resources. It’s a very tough world to navigate. Don’t even get me started on the gaslighting that is attached to a lot of this where women decry men for failing to fit the mold of patriarchy in not providing for their every need.
Patriarchy might have placed women at a dangerously unfair advantage but those same patriarchal stereotypes have enabled women prey on men playing up to the patriarchal tropes.
Relationships are difficult and complex. A lot of them are operating on an imbalance. There are some women stuck in relationships for necessity, others are in relationships personal gain. There are some men who prey on a woman’s disadvantaged position and use that power to control women in their relationships. There are even men who use generosity as a power play to gaslight/guilt their partners. Do I have the solution to this problem? Honestly, no because I’m more good at identifying problems than I an at solving them.
However it is important to acknowledge that this sort of imbalance exists and the reason for its existence. There’s so much more that I can sit down and type about this entire topic but frankly I don’t think I have the time.
My conclusion is simple both Men and Women are toxic and trash and the sole purpose for this behaviour is the sickness that is the patriarchy.
Let me know how you feel.
